Losing Me, To Be Me

For the longest time many things always seemed distant. Whether that was relationships, friendships, and even encounters that I shared with strangers. It was always out of reach, connecting I mean. Nonetheless, that led me to believe that I would never be top of the class. As I would see my friends be celebrated for their accomplishments, new partners, and the littlest of things like making “Dean’s List”, I was one with the audience applauding but, never the main act.

As this feeling consumed me for the past year in a half, I could feel my performance was coming to an intermission. The curtains were closing and I was the one closing them. I was pretending to be someone that I never thought I could be. What I thought I wanted, was so far out of reach that I caught myself in the act of being a fraud. 

Nothing hurts more than barely recognizing yourself. Yet as I closed those curtains and the dust brushed my eyes, as did the chalk I once played with as a little girl. And it all came down on me. Every step, every move I made, was for no one else but her and I forgot that. I forgot that all the pain I once felt, all the laughs I shared, the lessons taught when I was a little kid, was for something. And that something was no other for someone. Myself.

What and who I was, was a blurry image and my actions were never mine, rather for others. I think what I “wanted” was to be liked and remembered, and I lost myself during the process. I let the footprints of people become permanent on my clothing and rolled out as a doormat so casually you would think I was a natural. But, I am glad and ecstatic to tell and scream for you that I have awaken from my trance and have grown to appreciate what I was once and say goodbye to her. 

Curtains are closed and roads are paved. The weight on my chest has been lifted and thrown so far that, that is the only thing out of reach for me now. I have the sun braiding my hair, cherry stained fingers, and my family by my side. I am welcoming me. I am accepting that the loss of me was necessary because her other half was found and has made her whole again.