I’ve always held myself to the highest of standards. Some may say that’s damaging, others selfish, but for the few, it is perceived as a risk worth taking. I take great pride in who I have become: a woman who doesn’t let others walk all over her, is confrontational (when needed), and most importantly, never takes no for an answer. However, how does one reach a point where there is no other option than to accept the horror of being told no? You’ve all heard the saying, “Rejection is redirection” and although that is very true, why is it so hard to come to terms with such a cliche statement? I have been someone who envisioned myself as a force, as someone fearless, while having it all planned out. Someone who uses logic rather than emotion, yet why am I in this place of denial? The word no has always been a tactic to me, a word that has little meaning and can be manipulated very easily, but, in this case, rejection dances on the heartstrings of all I’ve worked for. I have to accept what is true: being told no.

Now, this may come off as dramatic but it all comes from a place of anger, passion, and simply being myself. But, when you’re living in a world of people given everything on a golden platter, we, the common population, fall into the stigma of having to sit back and drink from our plastic cups, as the “fortunate” flush our hard work down the drain. Most of us comply with the “well, that’s life”, but from the words of two very smart people I call my mom and dad, I say, “Well, fuck that”. Being told no is what drives the brilliant minds of young innovators, artists, politicians, and writers of our generation. Although it stings the wounds of self-doubt and drives the desire to give up, what better feeling is there than standing in front of those who said “you can’t” while proving you can? I would be lying to you and myself that throughout the years of constant admiration towards the working forces of the Fashion and Beauty industry, I too felt lost amongst the stacks of magazines I’ve collected since I was a young teenager.

From going to a place where I found comfort amongst the smell of glossy paper, strappy sandals, and the articulated words from editors and directors, to now being told you can’t go down a path where your dreams lie is one of those feelings you can’t tread lightly. I went from running through the current to floating above its surface. I saw my future self through a blurred lens and had to figure out a way to escape my blindness. However, when have I become someone who floats? This is MY life and no one is going to tell me no when all my life I’ve been swimming.

As someone who holds the greatest appreciation towards the characters brought to our screens, I have learned from the best and two of my favorite girls, Charlotte York from “Sex and the City” and Andrea Sachs from “The Devil Wears Prada”, where their spirit resembles all that I am and when their identity has been questioned and challenged by those around them, they worked for what they deserved. You and I are someone who will always be tested, who may be seen as weaker than the rest, who might have to stay up later than most for their name to be noticed, but with time and humility, those who once said “we can’t offer you a place here”, will soon ask for a seat at the table you built. So, although it stings and you are waiting for this wound to scab, know that as you stride amongst rejection and stand before the outcome of your hard work, all that will be left is a scar and what was once a feeling of doubt and unknowing will fade, as most wounds do.

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to grow up. I wanted to fit into my mother’s heels and wear her necklaces. I wanted to hang out with my older sister’s friends and paint my nails with them. I wanted to run before I knew how to walk. Now that I am 19, and as I reach my last year as a teenager, I wish I could sink into my mom’s shoes again and put my ear up to my sister’s room, taking a peek into the future. But, we can’t go back so might as well step forward. I am now in my second semester as a Freshman here and I can finally say that I am enjoying college. I understand why people call this place “home”. But between you and me, that might have to do with the help of a very well-known friend: Lexapro.

 For the past couple of months, I have dealt with the extremities of anxiety, from nausea to nervousness. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know how to talk about it without feeling judged. I was falling back into my old ways and hiding from the truth of what I was feeling. I knew I wasn’t alone but I felt very lonely. With the support of my family and friends, I was able to get the help I needed and found a solution. I never considered myself as someone who would need medication but here we are and I’m in the early stages of Lexapro. Before I found comfort in not knowing who I was and carving out a hole to hide in, scared to be myself, scared to try. Now, this is me trying (subtle Taylor Swift reference).

 I am now on my 19th journey of rediscovery and that’s okay. I am someone who believes in the act of rebirth through fashion, makeup, and self. As women, we are supposed to always act the right way, never too much but always stand out. I was afraid that once I was medicated I would fall into the societal norms of how a woman is supposed to act. “Acting like a lady” is subjective, offensive, and a false narrative placed on the women who defy these standards. I am myself. I am medicated. And there is nothing wrong with that. I will continue to wear my hair down, speak up, and wear the prints we all love so much. Let’s start with our beloved leopard! 

As we’ve all seen on TikTok, Instagram, and Pinterest, the revival of leopard appreciation is back and better than ever. However, for me, it has always been here, being a neutral in my closet ever since I paired it with red and gold accents. But why now? Why is the leopard replacing the bow epidemic? As most good things do, trends tend to have their moment for a couple of weeks and then die out. From bleaching eyebrows, crochet tops, Y2K, and even cottage core, these trends have paved our generation for years, giving us the chance to find ourselves through other wardrobes and Pinterest boards. I have always been attracted to loud prints and layering with dark colors, but for a long time, I thought I had to follow these trends to be accepted and seen as “cool”, blending in but making it a point to be different. Yet, why as women do we have to conform to what seems acceptable, when in reality it makes us miserable inside?

I felt embarrassed and guilty for expressing myself through big accessories and chaotic makeup looks because I was scared of what others would think of me. Causing a great amount of anxiety and harm to my well-being. Yet, this was and is normal for girls struggling to find their identity, struggling to look in the mirror, and being happy with what reflects on them. In a society that is driven by digital influences and faulty images, it’s hard to know what works for you when you can’t even recognize yourself. But, it’ll pass. These feelings of hopelessness and faking it, will soon turn into dust and be unrecognizable. I found myself through risk and not caring what others thought of me. I’ve found myself, I lost her again, and now she is back. I wear faux leopard fur, I wear big hoops, and I have long nails, but most importantly, I can be who I want, when I want, and how I want. 

There is no right way when it comes to finding yourself. Whether that is through skin care, cooking, running, or even medication, how YOU do it, shouldn’t matter to anyone else but you. After being diagnosed with “Generalized Anxiety Disorder”, I was scared of what that meant for me. Will I change? Will my friends want to be around me? Yet, as I came to terms with it and accepted it, I became more comfortable with the idea that this is normal and that I am not alone. I was living in a state of mind that made me feel horrible and ever since I’ve been on Lexapro, my life is mine again. I remembered who I am, and what I want to achieve, and I am not ashamed of being someone who is medicated. Although it is different for everyone, it is important, especially in college, that we take care of ourselves and remind ourselves that this is for the better. 

I will always have anxiety, and I will go through more downs than ups, but I know with the support of my family and friends, I am capable of more than I know. So are you.

When I think of being someone who is mysterious, I channel my inner Devon Aoki or Lily-Rose Depp. Laid-back hair, darker tones on the eyes, always your classic pair of sunglasses, and even a baby tee or cami tank with your go-to jeans or mini skirt. As an extrovert, I’m not the type of mysterious that reads at a cafe with her headphones, or the type that hyper fixates on a Norman Rockwell reference. I would say I am more the type to just sit in a room and observe and if I happen to have my headphones on, I would be listening to the Renaissance album by Beyonce, obviously.

As I grow older, my fashion sense matures as well. I went through many stages in my fashion journey and I am now at the point in my womanhood where I realize less on the face is okay, where I realize I don’t have to wear what everyone else is wearing. I don’t have to wear the corset top to parties, I can wear my white tee, signature clean makeup, jeans, and sneakers, and that’s enough. That’s what being mysterious is all about, it’s being able to stand out while not being the shiniest one in the room. It’s about not always trying so hard to stand out just because it pleases others. Screw that, stand out because it makes you comfortable.

Wear the Yankee hat with the dad shorts and platform Converse cause you want to. Wear the dress and the heels to lunch cause YOU want to. Being mysterious is making people want to talk about you because if they are talking about you, you’re being remembered, and that means you’re doing something right.

“We are not idealized wild things. We are imperfect mortal beings aware of that mortality even as we push it away, failed by our very complication, so weird that when we mourn our losses we also mourn, for better or for worse, ourselves.”

Joan Didion

When people ask you, “who do you look up to in life?” The most common response is either your parents, grandparents, maybe a friend, or even sometimes your teacher. For me, I look up to my parents, with out a doubt, they helped me become the woman I am today and I am forever grateful for everything they have done for me.

Yet, when it comes to who we look up to in the Fashion and Beauty world, that is a completely different story – no offense mom and dad. It took me almost half of my life to discover what works for my body and my style, and I am still navigating myself and my body through different articles of clothing. Clothing that not only fits my curves, but also fits me, for me.

When I was younger I was surrounded by this idea that in order to “be pretty” or “to look hot”, I had to be “perfect” The illusion of perfection can be overwhelming, both mentally and physically. Perfect hair, perfect nails, perfect skin, perfect smile, perfect body. There was too much perfection, and not enough reflection. Like so many other girls going through puberty and dealing with all of the changes in our lives, I became exhausted with the concept of perfection. The funny thing is that I found, time after time, that I kept coming back to my roots, and what “I” am all about, and not this concept of what others think being perfect is all about. Perfection is non-existent, there is no such thing.

I am a big believer in “everything happens for a reason”, and I believe that I had to lose myself in order to find myself.

I’d like to think that I have, in a way, found myself. I found what I love to wear and what I want to wear. I have found the many gold hoops and necklaces. I have found what makeup looks best on my skin and face. And most importantly, I have found what makes me feel good, what makes me feel beautiful. And, if I am being completely honest, it didn’t take me until this past year to realize that the women I look up to the most in the Fashion and Beauty world, hold even more meaning in my life than ever before.

In many ways, I express myself through the inspirations that surround me on a day-to-day basis. Whether that’s from the women shown above, or from my Italian roots, I use what they have taught me towards what I want or choose to wear. Alexa taught me what it means to stay true to yourself, and not in an emotional way but, in an owning what you got and showing it off through glossy lips and slick back hair way. Olivia taught me what it means to take a risk; to wear what I want and to not be afraid of taking that chance. Rihanna taught me what it means to be fierce, because when it comes to picking out an outfit, you need a fresh and fierce face of makeup to go along with it. A good makeup look is key. Paloma taught me how to be confident with myself- so many times I try to hide behind a big wall of insecurities, but because of the influence I get from Paloma, I now can break down that wall and walk over its shambles. Bella taught me what it means to be free with my mind and heart towards Fashion. When stress and anxiety come through and we begin to worry about what others think of us or our outfits, we forget who we are, but when we find people to look up to, especially in the Fashion and Makeup world, and we start to realize although seem perfect, they are far from it, and we slowly begin to breathe and start again.

Lastly, Sophia taught me what it means to be one with my heritage.

Ever since I was a little girl, I was always fascinated with my Italian roots. From learning how to cook with my aunts, listening to my dad tell stories from his college days in the Bronx and how him and his friends would eat at Dominick’s, or grab a slice at Full Moon, and even get a pastry from Egidio’s Bakery, I loved every second of it. It wasn’t just the stories and the traditions that made me fall in love with being Italian, but the love and culture that followed. I don’t even know if my family realizes how much it means to me. Our Sunday dinners, the pictures and memories we share around the table, the smell of garlic and oil, and the warmth of my aunts arms every time they hug me. I cherish every moment entirely. My mom and dad tend to compare me to Sophia Loren, an Italian icon, who I am in absolute awe of, but it didn’t take until a couple years ago, for me to realize why they were comparing me to her. It wasn’t just her authenticity and beauty, it was also her strength and grace, fierce love towards the people she called family and friend. Hopefully you are taking away from this blog that the women that I look up to, are not just women I want look like, because that would just be toxic if I am being completely honest. Its not the matter of being them but, learning from them, and taking their life lessons to heart.

Until next time, I will leave you with this- Learn from the reflections, not the perfections.

Sii bella a modo tuo

(Be your own kind of beautiful)

Today is January 26, 2022, I am 17 now and this just might be the first time I feel older. Every year my family and friends ask me, “do you feel any different?” or “do you feel older?”, and I always give them the same answer every year, “no”. Yet, this time, it’s different. I know in the past posts I have displayed, I talked about how I am growing mentally and emotionally as a young woman, but this time I feel it. I feel myself gravitating towards the things I love, the things that I am passionate about. And now, as I sit down at my computer with my coffee next to me and my hair up in a clip, I feel all the possibilities and opportunities brushing against my cheeks like warm air, lifting me up above the past and pushing me ahead.

Being 17 means a lot to me, more than anyone really knows. I am at the brink of adulthood or at least I think I am. But, I’ve always asked myself, what will my life be or even look like when I am an adult? We all have dreams, goals, aspirations, yet the unpredictable questions is, will I achieve them? The notion of unpredictability scares me, but, then again life scares me. Yet, I find comfort in knowing that my life will be unpredictable because nothing in life is permanent or sticks to the plan. You know? The plan that our 10 year old selves draw out in marker, on lined paper, with pictures cut out of magazines and newspapers, illustrating where we want to live, who we will be, and what out future will look like. Oh what I would tell my 10 year old self now….

As I continue to grow older, I find myself in a place where I never thought I would be. In the fashion and makeup world, creativity and individualism is celebrated on all platforms. Whether that be eccentric eyeliner, mullets, vests, minimalistic tattoos, or even cowboy boots, there are no boundaries! My main goal this year is to find time for myself and to express my personality through articles of clothing. When doing your makeup, make sure you take your time and just enjoy yourself. So many times we are rushed when taking care of ourselves because we are either running late or our parents are mad at us for taking so long. But, if you make time before, to just sit down, exfoliate and moisturize, while applying concealer and foundation, you will be content. Spending time with yourself is one of the most rewarding activities one can do when stressed or overwhelmed!

When talking about taking time for ourselves, it’s important to find products that are comfortable, affordable, and friendly. It took me some time but, once I found my go-to skin care products, my skin felt alive and most importantly, healthy. My skin care consists of: CeraVe Foaming Facial Cleanser, The Ordinary 100% Organic Cold-Pressed Moroccan Argan Oil, Clinique Moisturizing Lotion, Glossier Futuredew, and the Glossier Cherry Balm Dotcom.

My final note for today is that, over the past couple of weeks I have found no time to just sit and write. I had all the inspirations around me and for my advantage but, I decided to just ignore it and continue on with my busy life. Losing passion for the thing I love most. But, right now, right here, I am back. I am back to my roots. I almost forgot about the feeling writing about fashion and makeup gave me. That sense of acceptance and security, that feeling of putting on my boots, leather bomber jacket, scarf, and headphones, while listening to my playlist and just being joyful towards the little things. I am coming back from my roots and I am ready now more than ever to be committed to what I love!

Stay tuned…