Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to grow up. I wanted to fit into my mother’s heels and wear her necklaces. I wanted to hang out with my older sister’s friends and paint my nails with them. I wanted to run before I knew how to walk. Now that I am 19, and as I reach my last year as a teenager, I wish I could sink into my mom’s shoes again and put my ear up to my sister’s room, taking a peek into the future. But, we can’t go back so might as well step forward. I am now in my second semester as a Freshman here and I can finally say that I am enjoying college. I understand why people call this place “home”. But between you and me, that might have to do with the help of a very well-known friend: Lexapro.

 For the past couple of months, I have dealt with the extremities of anxiety, from nausea to nervousness. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know how to talk about it without feeling judged. I was falling back into my old ways and hiding from the truth of what I was feeling. I knew I wasn’t alone but I felt very lonely. With the support of my family and friends, I was able to get the help I needed and found a solution. I never considered myself as someone who would need medication but here we are and I’m in the early stages of Lexapro. Before I found comfort in not knowing who I was and carving out a hole to hide in, scared to be myself, scared to try. Now, this is me trying (subtle Taylor Swift reference).

 I am now on my 19th journey of rediscovery and that’s okay. I am someone who believes in the act of rebirth through fashion, makeup, and self. As women, we are supposed to always act the right way, never too much but always stand out. I was afraid that once I was medicated I would fall into the societal norms of how a woman is supposed to act. “Acting like a lady” is subjective, offensive, and a false narrative placed on the women who defy these standards. I am myself. I am medicated. And there is nothing wrong with that. I will continue to wear my hair down, speak up, and wear the prints we all love so much. Let’s start with our beloved leopard! 

As we’ve all seen on TikTok, Instagram, and Pinterest, the revival of leopard appreciation is back and better than ever. However, for me, it has always been here, being a neutral in my closet ever since I paired it with red and gold accents. But why now? Why is the leopard replacing the bow epidemic? As most good things do, trends tend to have their moment for a couple of weeks and then die out. From bleaching eyebrows, crochet tops, Y2K, and even cottage core, these trends have paved our generation for years, giving us the chance to find ourselves through other wardrobes and Pinterest boards. I have always been attracted to loud prints and layering with dark colors, but for a long time, I thought I had to follow these trends to be accepted and seen as “cool”, blending in but making it a point to be different. Yet, why as women do we have to conform to what seems acceptable, when in reality it makes us miserable inside?

I felt embarrassed and guilty for expressing myself through big accessories and chaotic makeup looks because I was scared of what others would think of me. Causing a great amount of anxiety and harm to my well-being. Yet, this was and is normal for girls struggling to find their identity, struggling to look in the mirror, and being happy with what reflects on them. In a society that is driven by digital influences and faulty images, it’s hard to know what works for you when you can’t even recognize yourself. But, it’ll pass. These feelings of hopelessness and faking it, will soon turn into dust and be unrecognizable. I found myself through risk and not caring what others thought of me. I’ve found myself, I lost her again, and now she is back. I wear faux leopard fur, I wear big hoops, and I have long nails, but most importantly, I can be who I want, when I want, and how I want. 

There is no right way when it comes to finding yourself. Whether that is through skin care, cooking, running, or even medication, how YOU do it, shouldn’t matter to anyone else but you. After being diagnosed with “Generalized Anxiety Disorder”, I was scared of what that meant for me. Will I change? Will my friends want to be around me? Yet, as I came to terms with it and accepted it, I became more comfortable with the idea that this is normal and that I am not alone. I was living in a state of mind that made me feel horrible and ever since I’ve been on Lexapro, my life is mine again. I remembered who I am, and what I want to achieve, and I am not ashamed of being someone who is medicated. Although it is different for everyone, it is important, especially in college, that we take care of ourselves and remind ourselves that this is for the better. 

I will always have anxiety, and I will go through more downs than ups, but I know with the support of my family and friends, I am capable of more than I know. So are you.